Lyrics

Ain’t Got A Clue (PG)
06/03/05 - Someone found these lyrics on the internet and joined MySpace just to tell me how much they spoke to her. That was really sad.
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Alternative
10/31/93 - A fragment from my pre-accordion would-be-punk days, part of the one-man show “Laundry Night.” Date is approximate.
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Anything
04/21/05 - This song has a lot of history. Special Guest recorded it first and even made a video, and the Squeaky Animals did an awesome ska version.
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Are We There Yet?
08/20/05 - I ask this question a lot.
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Around The World In Twelve Bananas
09/17/16 - Inspired by Henry, debuted at Elgin Family Fringe
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Be Glad You’re Not A Bone-Eating Snotworm
05/04/12 - Inspired by my friend Damon's status on Google Plus.
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Binky: The Hand That Shook The World
01/01/01 - An old Special Guest video repurposed for the one-man show "Happy Fun Time At The Complex" (fka "The Dark Nut Rises").
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C-Clamps
05/15/11 - Another true story song ripped straight from today's headlines.
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Captain Ambivalent Theme Song
10/31/03 - The first song performed publicly on accordion became my theme.
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Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
09/01/07 - Began as a throwaway song for a gig at Espress Yourself, inspired by a painting there. Espress Yourself is gone but the song remains.
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Dungeon Master’s Lament – DnD Parody (GenCon 2014)
08/16/14 - Dedicated to all the NASCRAG judges.
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Eclipsed By Your Behind
08/03/12 - This may have been based on an actual incident which may have involved my own behind, but I conveniently don't remember.
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Everything
05/02/13 - Inspired by the title of a song Ryan Nolan played in Bloomington, and the snark of my old school chum Penny Reid.
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Five Kinds Of Love
02/17/13 - Yes, it's an educational AND holiday song all at the same time!
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Flashback Montage Power Ballad Song
02/11/11 - I'm afraid I can only play this song wearing a mullet wig. I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.
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Forgetful
05/01/07 - Inspired by real-life events in a train station parking lot.
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Frozen Burrito
01/01/90 - I ate a lot of these when I was starting out...
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Girl I Love You So Much (A Biblical Love Song)
10/27/16 - Shoutouts to Samson, Jacob, and David.
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Goin’ Jawa Rap – Star Wars Parody (GenCon 2014)
08/16/14 - Unfortunately I didn't see any Jawas that year.
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Going Back To Town – Computer RPG Parody (GenCon 2013)
08/19/13 - I wrote this to celebrate becoming a roving entertainer at the GenCon Indy gaming convention. It was directly inspired by playing Avernum: Escape From the Pit on iPad but lots of computer adventure games use a similar mechanic. (If you understood none of this, just skip to the next song.)
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Grim and Gritty (The Dark Nut Rises)
08/31/17 - That special time in the life of every superhero when they get their grim and gritty reboot.
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Haunted by Waffle Houses
05/01/05 - One night at Front Porch Music's open mic Diana read a beautiful personal poem about her grandfather's passing which contained the phrase 'haunted by Waffle Houses.' I was inspired in a completely different direction.
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Heisenberg
10/31/98 - This song and 'Anything' were both performed by Special Guest first and have been covered by others. It was adopted as the official theme song of Professor Carlos Stroud's Optical Research Group (without his knowledge) and received third place in a contest by the University of Chicago Material Sciences division. Really.
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Hey Carrie (PG)
04/07/05 - The first in the 'Slightly Esoteric Halloween Song' series. I wanted to write a song about the confidence of 10 year old girls and the nasty surprise nature has in store for them, then realized Stephen King had already made the movie version.
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High School Enemies
05/01/06 - Another one literally true.
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Hint
06/07/14 - So at Ex-Pat Theatre's 20 hour festival, I had 20 hours to write and perform 10 minutes of punk songs based on the fortune cookie "You may accomplish more by being direct." This is the second one.
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History Of The Future
08/01/06 - I wrote this after seeing an old Buck Rodgers movie from the '30s on DVD. Their unimaginable future was in the 1990's. They had tiny rocket packs, but their radio was the size of a suitcase, and the spaceship sound effects really were propellor planes - jets hadn't been invented yet.
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I Dreamed That Supermodel Adriana Lima Was An Amish Girl
05/01/05 - Literally true.
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I Want To Cuddle Up With A Corporation
01/28/16 - Just in time for the Iowa caucuses...
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I’ve Got A Fan In Canada
02/27/12 - It's true! I got so excited I had to "get the band together" and do a song about it.
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If I Were A Pirate Ninja Zombie
01/13/09 - A song of luuuuuuv.
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Imaginary Eggs
05/28/07 - A song retconned into a prior imaginary band by my previous act, "Special Guest," after Rebecca gave me a small plastic instrument she found in a thrift store. It appears in the one-man show “Laundry Night.”
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Irv!
02/02/07 - A one man musical based on the life of Irv Kaputnik, inventor of dental floss. Extensively researched.
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Killer Kat
06/24/05 - Disco will never die.
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Laundry Night
01/14/06 - My take on a Special Guest classic, which was originally a twist on the old disco song 'Ladies Night' I made up to do laundry to.
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Laundry Night (Celtic Version)
03/17/06 - Happy St. Patrick's day.
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Life Is Just A Chemical Reaction
11/23/88 - This song from my college retro-rock opera "Rick Cosmos and the Green Things From Mars!" appears in the one-man show “Laundry Night.”
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Maybe It’s Just The Snow
12/08/17 - An old holiday classic I just wrote.
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Merry Christmas Zombies
12/23/12 - Addressing the appalling lack of zombies in the holiday canon.
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Miskatonic University Fight Song – Lovecraft Parody
10/31/06 - Another in the Esoteric Halloween series.
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Momba The Radioactive Cat
11/25/06 - Based on a true story.
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My Baby Is A B-Movie Zombie
06/24/05 - One of my Halloween songs. They can get a bit esoteric.
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No One Intends the Unintended Consequences
01/28/16 - No particular story to this one, it's been knocking around in my head a long time.
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Oblivious (Ninja Accountant Theme Song)
02/08/11 - A sequel to "Anything"
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On The Internet
10/27/16 - Sort of a sequel to "World Of Fear."
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Pizza Girl
04/07/05 - Based on a true story.
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Polyester
08/01/06 - This song became a video trio with Special Guest and Bernie the Dinosaur, the finale for my one-man show "Laundry Night."
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Precious (Gollum Goes Country)
06/08/09 - What can I say? I flipped through a country music station after watching Lord of the Rings.
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Ray Is Not The Name Of The Accordion
03/27/12 - Oh, you know my rhymes *are* red-hot
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Rebecca’s Reindeer-Snowflake Christmas Socks
12/25/05 - Literally true.
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Run, Will Robinson, Run!
03/10/05 - DANGER! DANGER!
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Save The Orcs – DnD Parody (GenCon 2015)
08/02/15 - Musicians have a responsibility to misinform the public about important issues, and I take that responsibility seriously.
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She Takes Bad Selfies
07/28/16 - This may have been initially inspired by someone but I think I'll deny it.
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She Talks
10/31/93 - Another fragment from my pre-accordion would-be punk days appearing in the one-man show “Happy Fun Time At The Complex” (fka “The Dark Nut Rises: The Grim And Gritty Reboot Of Captain Ambivalent”)
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She Tortures Barbies
12/17/08 - Based on an actual conversation. Though she assures me the Barbies won't actually rise from their graves because she pulls their heads off first.
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She’s Changing Her Interchangeable Head
02/08/10 - Yeah, it's my second song with a Barbie metaphor.
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Stop Taking My Hand – Star Wars Parody (GenCon 2016)
07/28/16 - A new Star Wars song.
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Student Debt
08/31/17 - It's always there for you.
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T.B.C.
03/17/05 - This was my reaction to what seemed like a flood of commercials in the 1990's putting black voices behind white faces (or raisins, or other cartoons) while never showing actual black people. Also, selling Sugar Pop cereal to kids as though it were an addictive drug. (Actual tag line: “Gotta have my Pops!”)
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The Backed-Up Bathtub Blues
05/29/14 - Another true story.
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The Ballad of Walnuthead and Shufflefoot
07/15/05 - Another Special Guest hit I stole back from him.
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The Bigfoot Song
08/01/06 - Inspired by the confession of the guy who faked the famous Loch Ness Monster photo.
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The Bodily Function Song
12/08/17 - A jazzy and sophisticated number for Three Cat's Cabaret On The Lake.
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The Computer Is Your Friend – Paranoia Parody (GenCon 2016)
07/28/16 - A long overdue one for the Paranoia fans.
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The Hero Song
06/07/12 - I finally got a prog rock accordion song.
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The Message
08/01/05 - I made up the first verse to leave on someone's answering machine. Then it got a little out of hand. Too bad everyone has voice mail now.
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The Thousand Mile Song
01/01/02 - This was the second original song I performed in public on accordion. It was inspired by an e-mail discussion Marg Frey started concerning the utter impracticality of certain love song lyrics, the actual distance one would be willing to walk for one's beloved, and what exactly that is supposed to prove if anything.
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The Time Travel Paradox Song
01/04/12 - Yeah, I wrote this one after watching Doctor Who.
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Unique And Special (Just Like Everybody Else)
11/26/06 - Inspired by an offhand comment made at open mic one night.
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Whack-a-Mole
08/01/07 - Sometimes it's hard to juggle day job, family, friends, and music.
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Why Does The Man Say Ho Ho Ho?
12/25/07 - This one may get me visited by three ghosts.
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World Of Fear
12/01/06 - This one came about after reading one too many special interest political fund raising mailings.
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You Can’t Sing, You’re Ugly, And The Sixties Are Over
01/01/90 - Sometimes when I'm writing songs in my head I have less than charitable thoughts towards street performers.
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You Might Want To Think About Being Direct
06/07/14 - So at Ex-Pat Theatre's 20 hour festival, I had 20 hours to write and perform 10 minutes of punk songs based on the fortune cookie "You may accomplish more by being direct." This is the first one.
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