Lyrics

Official song list with searchable lyrics.

Ain’t Got A Clue (PG)
06/03/05 - Someone found these lyrics on the internet and joined MySpace just to tell me how much they spoke to her. That was really sad.
Alien Love Song
09/13/18 - From the 2018 Elgin Fringe Festival show "Replaced by a Robot" aka "Fear The Accordion" Act II.
Alternative
10/31/93 - A fragment from my pre-accordion would-be-punk days, part of the one-man show “Laundry Night.” Date is approximate.
Anything
04/21/05 - This song has a lot of history. Special Guest recorded it first and even made a video, and the Squeaky Animals did an awesome ska version.
Are You Blue
10/04/20 - A random Young Dan techno song from "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
Back Again
11/23/88 - This song from my college retro-rock opera "Rick Cosmos and the Green Things From Mars!" appears in the one-man show “Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial.”
Binky: The Hand That Shook The World
01/01/01 - An old Special Guest video repurposed for the one-man show "Fear The Accordion" (fka "Happy Fun Time At The Complex" fka "The Dark Nut Rises").
C-Clamps
05/15/11 - Another true story song ripped straight from today's headlines.
Crazy Picasso-Eyed Lady
09/01/07 - Began as a throwaway song for a gig at Espress Yourself, inspired by a painting there. Espress Yourself is gone but the song remains.
Eclipsed By Your Behind
08/03/12 - This may have been based on an actual incident which may have involved my own behind, but I conveniently don't remember.
Enter… The Turkinator!
12/02/18 - I may have had a little too much time on my hands visiting family over Thanksgiving... but that's how legends are born.
Everything
05/02/13 - Inspired by the title of a song Ryan Nolan played in Bloomington, and the snark of my old school chum Penny Reid.
Five Kinds Of Love
02/17/13 - Yes, it's an educational AND holiday song all at the same time!
Forgetful
05/01/07 - Inspired by real-life events in a train station parking lot.
Frozen Burrito
01/01/90 - I ate a lot of these when I was starting out...
Full Moon Fever
10/04/20 - An offensive Buford P. Wallaby song from "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
Going Back To Town – Computer RPG Parody (GenCon 2013)
08/19/13 - I wrote this to celebrate becoming a roving entertainer at the GenCon Indy gaming convention. It was directly inspired by playing Avernum: Escape From the Pit on iPad but lots of computer adventure games use a similar mechanic. (If you understood none of this, just skip to the next song.)
Haunted by Waffle Houses
05/01/05 - One night at Front Porch Music's open mic Diana read a beautiful personal poem about her grandfather's passing which contained the phrase 'haunted by Waffle Houses.' I was inspired in a completely different direction.
Heisenberg
10/31/98 - This song and 'Anything' were both performed by Special Guest first and have been covered by others. It was adopted as the official theme song of Professor Carlos Stroud's Optical Research Group (without his knowledge) and received third place in a contest by the University of Chicago Material Sciences division. Really.
Hey Carrie (PG)
04/07/05 - The first in the 'Slightly Esoteric Halloween Song' series. I wanted to write a song about the confidence of 10 year old girls and the nasty surprise nature has in store for them, then realized Stephen King had already made the movie version.
Hint
06/07/14 - So at Ex-Pat Theatre's 20 hour festival, I had 20 hours to write and perform 10 minutes of punk songs based on the fortune cookie "You may accomplish more by being direct." This is the second one.
History Of The Future
08/01/06 - I wrote this after seeing an old Buck Rodgers movie from the '30s on DVD. Their unimaginable future was in the 1990's. They had tiny rocket packs, but their radio was the size of a suitcase, and the spaceship sound effects really were propellor planes - jets hadn't been invented yet.
Imaginary Eggs
05/28/07 - A song retconned into a prior imaginary band by my previous act, "Special Guest," after Rebecca gave me a small plastic instrument she found in a thrift store. It appears in the one-man show “Laundry Night.”
In The Country
07/04/18 - I decided I needed a country song for Elgin's Americana Jubilee.
Irv!
02/02/07 - A one man musical based on the life of Irv Kaputnik, inventor of dental floss. Extensively researched.
Laundry Night
01/14/06 - My take on a Special Guest classic, which was originally a twist on the old disco song 'Ladies Night' I made up to do laundry to.
Life Is Just A Chemical Reaction
11/23/88 - This song from my college retro-rock opera "Rick Cosmos and the Green Things From Mars!" appears in the one-man show “Laundry Night.”
Lovely Russian Ladies
02/02/18 - Finale from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" Valentine's show at Side Street Studio Arts/Elgin Fringe Festival
Monsters Of Youth
08/01/06 - Inspired by the confession of the guy who faked the famous Loch Ness Monster photo.
My Love Is Like A Porkchop
10/04/20 - A perplexing Buford P. Wallaby song from "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
My Male Ego
03/28/19 - Inspired by a reference in someone else's song to a time Amelia Earhart got lost in the fog and landed in a field in Ireland. I guess this is my contribution to Women's History Month.
Never Give Up
02/02/18 - Debuted at "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" Valentine's show at Side Street Studio Arts/Elgin Fringe Festival
Outside
06/10/18 - Created for the documentary "Uncle Fun: You're The One" by Laura Force Scruggs.
Polyester
08/01/06 - This song became a video trio with Special Guest and Bernie the Dinosaur, the finale for my one-man show "Laundry Night."
Propellor Beanie Chicken
02/02/18 - True story. Debuted at "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" Valentine's show at Side Street Studio Arts/Elgin Fringe Festival
Replaced By A Robot
09/13/18 - From the 2018 Elgin Fringe Festival show "Replaced by a Robot" aka "Fear The Accordion" Act II.
She Tortures Barbies
12/17/08 - Based on an actual conversation. Though she assures me the Barbies won't actually rise from their graves because she pulls their heads off first.
Spanish Song
10/04/20 - An ill-advised Guy Slimey number from "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
T.B.C.
03/17/05 - This was my reaction to what seemed like a flood of commercials in the 1990's putting black voices behind white faces (or raisins, or other cartoons) while never showing actual black people. Also, selling Sugar Pop cereal to kids as though it were an addictive drug. (Actual tag line: “Gotta have my Pops!”)
The Dark Nut Rises
08/31/17 - That special time in the life of every superhero when they get their grim and gritty reboot.
The Defects Inside
10/04/20 - A Buford P. Wallaby song from "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
The Hero Song
06/07/12 - I finally got a prog rock accordion song.
The House Of Memory
10/04/20 - A Buford P. Wallaby song from "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
The Message
08/01/05 - I made up the first verse to leave on someone's answering machine. Then it got a little out of hand. Too bad everyone has voice mail now.
The Thousand Mile Song
01/01/02 - This was the second original song I performed in public on accordion. It was inspired by an e-mail discussion Marg Frey started concerning the utter impracticality of certain love song lyrics, the actual distance one would be willing to walk for one's beloved, and what exactly that is supposed to prove if anything.
Two Little Pictures of Me
02/02/18 - A story song from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" Valentine's show at Side Street Studio Arts/Elgin Fringe Festival
Whack-a-Mole
08/01/07 - Sometimes it's hard to juggle day job, family, friends, and music.
What To Eat
10/04/20 - An educational song from the lovely Brunilda and Chompsky in "Captain Ambivalent Is In Denial" virtual Elgin Fringe Festival show.
World Of Fear
12/01/06 - This one came about after reading one too many special interest political fund raising mailings.
You Might Want To Think About Being Direct
06/07/14 - So at Ex-Pat Theatre's 20 hour festival, I had 20 hours to write and perform 10 minutes of punk songs based on the fortune cookie "You may accomplish more by being direct." This is the first one.
The Captain's Compendium

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