Dungeon Master’s Lament – DnD Parody (GenCon 2014)
08/16/14 - Dedicated to all the NASCRAG judges.

My little brother wants to play but he wants to be a half-orc paladin
I told him it don’t work that way but the parents say we have to let him
He’s gonna totally trash my carefully crafted steam-punk anime campaign!

You see the mayor stroke his beard, say “I think I have a job that you might fit”
My little brother scoffs and sneers, says “I draw my sword,” and rolls to hit
Now I’ve totally got twelve pages of plot I have to tear out and throw away

I’m surrounded by cretins, bloodthirsty cretins, they’re always getting in the way
Of the carefully balanced narrative talents I prepared for days and days

My little brother says OK he will switch to an elf barbarian
If he can have a dragon steed, claws like Wolverine, and a bacon golem
Now the others all say that they’d rather play here if my brother runs the game!

I’m surrounded by cretins, bloodthirsty cretins, they’re always getting in the way
Of the carefully balanced narrative talents I prepared for days and days
Now they’re hackin and slashin, blastin and bashin, with no subtlety or shame
I’m surrounded by cretins, bloodthirsty cretins, gosh I hope they let me play

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